Lesson 2 · The underlying logic of feel-good advice: the Doctrine of the Mean

Parenting

How should parents encourage their children?

• Do it discreetly, but make sure the child can hear: Use a combination of these two approaches to praise the child
• Example
  • The child gets up early and tidies up all the cups on their own
    • If you encourage the child to their face, they may wonder whether you really mean it
    • A parenting teacher offered a clever trick: : While the child is still in their room and hasn’t come out, the mother goes into the living room and says to the child’s father:
      Our child is really great—they tidied up their bed first thing in the morning. They’re so capable and self-motivated.
    • Keep your voice at a moderate volume
    • Too loud: The child will think you’re deliberately making sure they hear
    • Too quiet: The child won’t hear
    • Aim for this effect: The child overhears their mother praising them without realizing it
    • The principle behind this clever trick:
    • Reverse
    • Praise a child too deliberately: it may feel fake to them and could backfire
    • Don’t praise a child: they won’t receive any encouragement
    • The circle spins in the middle, but not at the lowest or highest point
    • The lowest point is not praising the child at all
    • The highest point is praising the child in the most direct and deliberate way
    • In the middle: handle it with ease: Let the child know you’re praising them without praising them directly to their face
    • This is the principle that arises from the yin turning into yang as yin reaches its extreme: It means the same thing as money being the least useful yet most useful

The Doctrine of the Mean

The idea of the Mean:

• Everything contains both yin and yang; where there is yin, there is yang, and the most yin will turn into the most yang: So, in how you conduct yourself and deal with things, don’t reach the most yin or the most yang state. Don’t let things go to extremes and reverse; stay in the middle. This is the idea of the Mean, and it accords with the basic meaning of the Dao

Confucian and Daoist thought should not be set against each other

• There are many principles reflecting the Way of Heaven in Confucian thought
• Confucius said: “The virtue embodied in the Mean is indeed the highest! It has long been rare among the people.”
  • Confucius said that the Mean is a virtue, and “highest” means ultimate. The Mean is the highest of virtues.
    • Confucius’s ideas of “filial piety” and “ritual” are both governed by the Mean: All the concepts and ideas Confucius put forward must accord with the Mean
  • This saying can guide you through life and help you overcome many of its challenges. : This is the underlying logic of feel-good inspirational advice
  • Confucius liked to talk about filial piety
    • The highest standard of filial piety in Confucius’s view was that it should accord with the Mean
    • Confucius once answered someone who asked what filial piety meant: “Do not disobey.”
    • In life, serve them according to ritual; after death, bury them according to ritual and make offerings to them according to ritual
    • The meaning is: When nobles care for their parents, from birth until death, they need to take care of every detail so their parents can enjoy both material and spiritual comforts
    • While your parents are alive, serve them according to the standards of ritual, using the rites appropriate to their rank
    • What does “ritual” mean? The Son of Heaven ate from 9 bowls, feudal lords from 7, senior officials from 5, and ordinary officials from three
    • Ritual establishes a hierarchy of ranks, which must be strictly observed in practice: In Confucius’s view, ritual was what was most fitting—that is, the Mean: neither yin nor yang. “Mean” means middle or fitting; “ordinary” means plain. Whether it means being plain and in the middle or being appropriately ordinary, the principle is the same: one end is yin and the other is yang; people should live in the middle and avoid extremes
    • It's not better to give your parents more and more!
    • Confucius told people: going too far is as bad as not going far enough (from the Analects) : This expresses the idea of the Tao Te Ching, the same meaning as 'things reverse when they reach their extreme'
    • In Confucius's time: Giving parents excessive support may look like kindness, but as an aristocrat setting an example for all under heaven, it would start a trend of extravagance; everyone would begin pursuing material pleasure, and the influence would be harmful
    • Today: If the relationship with parents is too close, in many cases the children's good intentions are often taken by the parents as ill will
• Confucius chose the path of saving the world, while Laozi chose the path of seclusion. At the practical level of society, their life ideals differed
  • But Confucius was also someone who grasped the Way of Heaven
  • In his later years, one day Confucius said he no longer wanted to lecture. His students said that if Confucius stopped teaching, they would have nothing to record
    • Confucius said: The sun and moon move on, all things are born. What words does Heaven utter? What words does Heaven utter?
    • The meaning is: If I don't speak, can you not pass it on? Is what you pass on merely the words from my mouth?
    • Tao Te Ching: The great Way exists in life and all things; words are only descriptions and summaries of the Way
    • Confucius realized this
    • So he said: The sun and moon move on, all things grow. What has Heaven said? It naturally resides within all things
    • People should model themselves on nature, and nature does not speak. Everything exists naturally of its own accord. Heaven does not speak—it is up to people to realize it themselves
    • What Laozi said—'Earth follows Heaven, Heaven follows the Tao, the Tao follows nature'—is no different from this saying of Confucius: People should model themselves on nature; the great Way of nature nourishes all things silently, so in doing things people should also govern through non-action, not seeking either yin or yang, but staying in the middle. This is one interpretation of non-action