Third Cohort, Session 2 · Family of Origin and Healing

Not all parents are great

Key insights

Not all parents are great. Trauma from the family of origin (favoring boys over girls, emotional blackmail, belittling and suppression, etc.) can affect us throughout our lives. The healing path is:Physical separation → Self-healing → Rebuilding the relationship. Psychological nourishment (a sense of security, acceptance, affirmation, praise, and recognition) needs to be provided again, but this is a long process.

3.1 Types of Trauma from the Family of Origin

Common traumas

1. Son preference

• Girls are neglected
• Resources are disproportionately allocated to boys
• Girls take on more responsibilities
• Low sense of self-worth

1. Emotional blackmail

• Parents excessively seek emotional validation from their children
• Needs that can never be satisfied
• Selfishness without self-awareness
• Children feel oppressed

1. Excessive control

• Controlling everything about the child
• No boundaries
• Under the guise of "doing it for your own good"
• Children lose their sense of self

1. Neglect and indifference

• Emotional neglect
• Lack of attention
• Needs go unseen
• People-pleasing

1. Belittling and putting someone down

• Excessively high expectations for children
• Excessive criticism
• Rarely receiving affirmation
• Inferiority and lack of confidence

1. Domestic violence

• Physical violence
• Verbal violence
• Silent treatment
• Post-traumatic stress

The unique imprint of those born in the 1980s

• Family planning + preference for sons over daughters = the trauma of an era
• Manifestations:
  • Girls being fined at birth (such as “Liu Four Thousand”)
  • Taking on responsibilities that are not theirs
  • A desire to prove oneself
  • Power struggles with one’s partner
  • Growing up to be a tomboy
• Results:
  • Low sense of self-worth
  • Inner deprivation
  • Grasp desperately
  • Difficulties with intimate relationships
  • Painful inner conflict

3.2 Path to healing

The Four-Step Method

• Step 1: Recognize the problem
  • Recognizing the impact of one's family of origin
  • Identifying one's behavioral patterns
  • Understand the origins of the pattern
  • Do not blame, but acknowledge the facts
• Step 2: Physical separation
  • Keeping some distance from one's parents
  • Reducing the frequency of contact
  • Creating an independent space
  • Protect yourself first
• Step 3: Self-healing
  • Emotional release (crying, shouting, writing)
  • Professional help (psychological counseling, healing)
  • Self-care (mindfulness, meditation)
  • Building a support system (friends, community)
• Step 4: Rebuild the relationship
  • Reconnecting after healing
  • Set boundaries
  • Rebuilding trust
  • Providing emotional nourishment

The importance of physical separation

• Why physical separation is necessary:
  • Being together can cause harm
  • Emotions can affect each other
  • Old patterns will repeat
  • Time is needed to recover
• Ways to create separation:
  • Keep your distance (live in different cities)
  • Have less contact (reduce the frequency)
  • Limit communication (reduce contact)
  • Establish your own space
• Note:
  • It does not mean never seeing each other again
  • Meet again after healing
  • Protect yourself first
  • Address relationships when you have the capacity

3.3 Methods of Self-Healing

Emotional release

1. Crying

• Detoxification
• Release negative emotions
• Your complexion improves after crying
• Allow yourself to be vulnerable

1. Shouting

• Release pent-up feelings
• Shout in nature
• Free your inner child
• Do not suppress your feelings

1. Writing

• Stream-of-consciousness writing
• Let your emotions guide your writing
• Be deeply present with yourself
• No need for logic

Professional help

1. Psychological counseling

• Guidance from a professional
• In-depth exploration
• Cognitive restructuring
• A long-term process

1. Individual healing sessions

• Energetic cleansing
• Release deep-seated trauma
• Quick results
• You need to find a trustworthy practitioner

1. Group healing

• A safe environment
• Peer support
• Resonance effect
• In-person classes are effective

Being there for yourself

1. Mindfulness

• Be aware of the present
• Observe your breathing
• Feel your body
• Nonjudgmental

1. Meditation

• Quieting the mind
• Being with yourself
• Restoring your energy
• Practice every day

1. Self-dialogue

• Treat yourself as you would a friend
• Gentleness and understanding
• Acceptance and companionship
• No criticism

3.4 Rebuilding Relationships

Providing emotional nourishment again

• Emotional nourishment children need (adults need it too):
  • A sense of security
  • Acceptance
  • Affirmation
  • Praise
  • Identification
  • Companionship
• How to provide it:
  • Notice emotions: "You seem very sad."
  • Emotional feedback: "Mom sees that you're crying."
  • Empathy: "You must feel so wronged."
  • Respect: Don't judge or control
  • Unconditional love: Love them not just because they do well
  • Spend time: Rebuilding trust takes time

An example of rebuilding a relationship with a child

• Scenario: A ninth-grade daughter says, "Studying is so exhausting, and life is exhausting too."
• What not to do:
  • "You have to study."
  • "I've sacrificed so much for you."
  • Lecture and criticize
  • Lose the opportunity to communicate
• The right approach:

1. Listen

• Don't rush to offer advice
• Let her finish speaking
• Don't interrupt

1. Empathy

• "You look really tired."
• "Mom can see that you're crying."
• "You must feel really wronged."

1. Ask

• "What happened?"
• "How can Mom help you?"
• "What would you like Mom to do for you?"

1. Support

• Help solve specific problems
• Hire a tutor
• Offer emotional support
• Note:
  • It can't be built in a day
  • Your child will test you
  • Keep providing emotional nourishment
  • Rebuilding trust takes time

Relationships with adult parents

• With toxic parents:
  • You don't have to be filial
  • You don't have to obey
  • You can keep your distance
  • Heal themselves first
• To rebuild the relationship:
  • Set boundaries
  • Make your limits clear
  • Don't accept emotional blackmail
  • Give when you're able
• How to communicate:
  • Like a friend
  • With self-respect and respect for others
  • Express yourself
  • Do not expect to change them

3.5 Time and Patience in Healing

It takes time

• Healing does not happen in a day or two:
  • Trauma that developed over many years
  • Takes years to heal
  • Be patient
  • Do not rush the process
• Examples:
  • It took 4-5 years for the relationship to improve
  • Repeated reassurance is needed
  • Your child will test you
  • Persistence will bring change

Intergenerational transmission

• Without healing:
  • Patterns from your family of origin will be passed down
  • You will repeat your parents' parenting style
  • Your children will relive your trauma
  • Intergenerational transmission
• The purpose of healing:
  • Break the cycle of trauma
  • Give your children a better starting point
  • Change your family's destiny
  • Start with yourself

Key quotes

• "Not all parents are great."
• "You can be grateful to your parents for giving you life without obeying them in everything."
• "Physical distance: heal yourself first, then reconnect."
• "Provide emotional nourishment anew: security, acceptance, affirmation, praise, and recognition."
• "Healing takes time. Do not rush the process."
• "Awareness is the beginning of change."
• "Work on healing now for your children's future happiness."

Practical application

Self-assessment

1. List your traumas: What trauma did my family of origin cause me?
2. Recognize the patterns: What are my current relationship patterns?
3. Find the root causes: Where do these patterns come from?

Healing Actions

1. Create physical distance: Do I need to keep my distance from my parents?
2. Emotional release: Cry, shout, or write to release your emotions
3. Seek Help: Find a therapist or healer
4. Being there for yourself: Mindfulness, meditation, and self-talk

Rebuild the relationship

1. Wait for the right moment: Reconnect after healing
2. Set boundaries: Set clear boundaries
3. Provide Emotional Nourishment: Acceptance, affirmation, and praise
4. Be Patient: It takes time

Practice checklist

• ☐ List the traumas my family of origin caused me
• ☐ Assess: Do I need to create physical distance?
• ☐ Choose an emotional outlet and practice it this week
• ☐ Seek professional help (therapy or healing)
• ☐ Start giving yourself emotional nourishment