Parents are the soil, children are the seeds; the soil determines the seeds
Key insights
Parents are the soil, children are the seeds; the soil determines the seeds。Family roles: Everyone in their proper place—women as women, men as men, and children as children。When a child is reluctant to go to school, there are often problems within the family。
3.1 The Root of the Problem
The child dislikes school
- On the surface: unwilling to go to school
- At a deeper level: family problems
- At the core: a disrupted family hierarchy
- Reason:
- The parents have a poor relationship
- Frequent family conflict
- The child worries about the family
- The child acts like a little adult
- Unable to focus on studying
3.2 Family Roles
Proper Roles
- Grandparents
- ↓
- Parents (Heaven/Earth)
- ↓
- Children
- Everyone in their proper place:
- Parents act as parents
- Children act as children
- Don't overstep
Role Reversal Problem
- Misalignment:
- The child acts as the adult (worrying about the family)
- The mother acts as the father (too domineering)
- The father acts as the child (mommy's boy / shirking responsibility)
- Chaos
- Results:
- The child can't focus
- The child lacks a sense of security
- The child takes on the parents' role
- The child is physically and mentally exhausted
3.3 Solutions
Everyone in Their Place
- Mom returns to her role:
- Acceptance
- Embracing
- Nurturing
- Emotional support
- Gentleness
- Dad returns to his role:
- Strength
- Leading
- Role models
- Rules
- Protection
- Child returns to their role:
- Being a kid
- Not worrying
- Protected
- Free Growth
How to Fix It
- Repair the parents' relationship
- Reduce conflict
- Give the child a stable environment
- Even if it's just surface-level peace
- Let the child feel at ease
- Tell the child: it's not your fault
- The parents' issues are for the parents to resolve
- You just need to be a child
- Return to the child's position
- Build trust
- In-depth communication
- See the child's needs
- Give your child a sense of security
- Slowly guide the child back to school
Key quotes
- "Parents are the soil, and children are the seeds. The soil determines how the seeds grow."
- "Family order: everyone returns to their proper place."
- "When a child is unwilling to go to school, it often means something is wrong in the family."
- "Whoever suffers, changes."
- "A mother becomes strong — adjusting herself for her child."
Practice checklist
- ☐ Assess whether the family order is misplaced
- ☐ Repair the parents' relationship
- ☐ Have a deep conversation with the child
- ☐ Tell the child: it's not your fault
- ☐ Let the child return to the child's position